And the award goes to those idiots
by Bat-dove
Summary: So... Naruto didn't grow up in Konoha. He wasn't placed on team seven. He didn't know about Sasuke or Sakura. Instead he had two teammates who made him wonder if he was the smart one on the team with their combined lack of common sense, not that he had much either but still... Alternate universe. My first Naruto Fanfiction so beware of crappiness of epic proportions! Please enjoy!


"No place for him here. God look at the callous drunks about," grumbled a man in a ragged black cloak clutching a small bundle in his arms, "No matter, you'll be safe soon enough. Ojisan will take good care of you. You'll see. I just hope you take after your father… Nonetheless, we'll love you all the same. I know you'll like it. You'll like your new home. More so than here."

He moved faster with this in mind, knowing that in a village such as this, people were lusty after demon's blood which was in rather short supply, so instead they settled on an innocent babe. He tutted at their ridiculousness. Oh how his sister would be turning in her grave should she know.

He pulled the baby closer to his chest as he passed a group of drunken shinobi, all of which had one thing in mind.

"That demon needs to die-"

"It's killed too many people-"

"I say we burn it-"

The man darted past quickly not alerting the men of his presence. His eyes narrowed as he slipped effortlessly past the village gates.

"All of this… over such a little fishcake," he said removing the blanket from the baby's head revealing oddly tan skin, dark yellow-blond hair, and whisker marks on his cheeks. He crooned at the little baby.

"Kushina would have spoiled you rotten little Fishcake," he said recovering his face and running off into the unknown.

-.-

Sasuke sat down in the academy for what would be the last time. Today he was a shinobi. He was one step closer in avenging his clan. One step closer… to killing that _man_. Today he was a genin. Today he would be assigned a team that would push his skills and make him stronger. He had to be stronger.

The academy instructor Iruka walked into the room with a smile on his face.

"Hello everyone. As you all know you are here for your team placement. Listen for your name as this will be the team you are placed on. Team one…"

-.-

"Ojisan, you called?" a boy asked. He was about twelve years old, had tan skin, and bright blue eyes. His name was Naruto Uzumaki. A man wearing a black cloak looked up at the boy. His hood over his eyes hiding much of what his appearance was.

"Ah, yes Naruto. You are aware of how our village works correct?" he asked Naruto squinted his eyes in confusion; "The shinobi part of the village?" making him nod his head eagerly.

"Yeah. Kids do various committee service projects around the village to build skill on the job. And Ojisan, they really stink. They are _so_ boring," he complained making the elder smile a small but true grin.

"Yes. And you know how people become shinobi?" he asked.

"Normally there's an academy. At least in other villages from what I've heard. But here… we're picked?"

"Selected Naruto. Those who truly wish to be shinobi show it in their work. You can teach children in a class room but experience is the true master," the man said. Naruto furrowed his brows in confusion.

"So why did you call me here?" he asked making the man fall in a rather comical manner, recovering quickly.

"Really? Really Naruto? Why did you have to take after your mother?" he sighed to himself.

"Oji?" he asked now raising one brow.

"Naruto, the Uzukage has assigned you to a team," he stated bluntly. _Three… two… one._

-.-

"Team seven Sakura Haruno… Sasuke Uchiha… and Sai?" he said looking at the paper at a name he had never once seen in the academy before. Sasuke looked mildly irritated and Sakura was thrilled to be on Sasuke's team.

-.-

"Oh my gosh! This is so cool! When do I start missions! When do I learn a new jutsu? When-"

"Whoa! Slow down there. You need to meet your team first," the man said calming the boy down.

"Well… who are they?" he asked impatiently. He wasn't well acquainted with too many people in Maelstrom given how people, like water, seemed to come and go in the village. Sure there were constants, I.E. civilians, but Naruto never really did typical committee work. Instead of walking dogs he was wrestling with a fish trying to catch it. Instead of reading to the elderly, he was catching the few that thought they were still full-fledged shinobi when in reality were just sad old men with pants that didn't fit and quite frankly scarred many of the villagers.

"Matsuyama Miyuki, and Kurokawa Hoshi," he said making Naruto groan.

"I'm on a team with two konochi? Someone end my suffering," he complained. He had heard plenty that girl teammates had a tendency to be difficult. And he had _two._

"Oh grow up Fish cake," the man said making his nephew look up at him with an annoyed glare, "They are coming over tonight to meet you so be nice."

Naruto grumbled saying he would before leaving the room. The man sighed and took his hood off, running his fingers through vibrant red hair.

"Oy! Osamu!"

The red haired man looked toward his window when a chunin ran inside.

"Ever heard of a little invention that society created called a door?" he asked stoically. The younger rubbed the back of her neck.

"Nah. Doors are for civilians Osamu-sama," said the konochi, "I hear that lil' fishcake is now shinobi ready. Meeting his team tonight?"

He nodded his head as she walked over and plucked the note from his desk. A Cheshire grin appeared on her face. He noticed it and felt a wave of unease, similar to that when his sister knew something that was going to have a big effect on him.

"What?" he asked.

"You got anger management and the mute. Tough luck," she smirked. He raised his brow curiously.

"Who?"

"Oh man… you don't know. Kurokawa Hoshi is an aggressive girl who has shown great skill in taijutsu and weaponry, but just about everything else sucks. And Matsuyama? He's from that circus that was here about three years ago that was attack. Only survivor. Never talked after that," she said gossiping as many other women do.

"He?" Osuma asked. She smirked.

"Oh yeah. Miyuki is a guy. A sad looking pansy of one but a guy nonetheless. Let me tell you, your team is screwed."

He frowned. It was bad enough that he was assigned a mute and an angry bitch from the sound of it, but Naruto was on that team too. He was going to kill the Uzukage.

**An experiment. If it sucks… it sucks and I will not continue. If you guys want me to write, send a lovely little thing called a review.**


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